Christmas Cake Recipe (Origin Unknown)

Ingredients

• 1 cup water
• 1 cup sugar
• 4 large eggs
• 2 cups dried fruit
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 cup brown sugar
• Lemon juice
• Walnuts
• 1L brandy

Directions

• Sample the brandy to check for quality.
• Take a large bowl.
• Sample the brandy again to be sure it is of the highest quality. Pour one level cup and drink. Repeat.
• Turn on the electric mixer; and beat 1 cup butter in a large, fluffy bowl.
• Add 1 teaspoon sugar and beat again.
• Make sure the brandy is still OK – cry another tup.
• Turn off mixer.
• Break 2 legs and add to the bowl.
• Chuck in the cup of dried fruit.
• Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers, pry it loose with a drewscriver.
• Sample the brandy to check for tonsisticity.
• Next, sift 2 cups of salt. Or something. Who cares?
• Check the brandy.
• Now sift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
• Add one table. Spoon. Of sugar or something. Whatever you can find.
• Grease the oven. Turn the cake tin to 350 degrees.
• Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
• Throw the bowl out of the window.
• Check the brandy again.
• Go to bed. Who the hell likes fruitcake anyway?